Introspection....

I got really depressed yesterday for about an hour and a half in the middle of first seder. I was sitting in the Beis Medrash, and I happened to look at a friend of mine, who can annoy me on occasion. I started looking at everyone in the Beis Medrash, and criticisizing them to myself, pointing out their faults in my head. That's when I realized what I was doing. I felt so ashamed of myself. Here I am, and I try to preach love and respect and tolerance, and I'm looking for fault in all of my friends. Needless to say, I got really down on myself, and for the next hour and a half, I walked around in a haze, berating myself. I couldn't look in the mirror; even my hair was messed up. I felt like I couldn't live with myself.
I walked around the lake for a while, and after a little bit, this little positive voice inside me told me that enough beating myself up, it's time to move on. In fact, the voice reassured me, the very fact that I felt that way shows that maybe I am growing, etc. I was reminded of a teaching from Reb Nachman of Breslov. Rebbe Nachman used to say that it's okay to feel guilt and shame over personal failings and shame, but that discretion is needed. That is, one has to know how long he can consider his deeds with out getting vexed and depressed; he has to use the regretful feelings as an impetus to improve, but once he's got it, he should move on. That sin happened five minutes ago; what are you doing about it now? Something to consider....
Originally posted Thursday, 9 June 2005