Tuesday, October 28, 2014

ReBound...

Today is the 4th of Ram Cheshvan, the anniversary of death for the Rebbe of Piaseczna and all the other kedoshim that were part of the liquidation of the Trawniki labor camp.
So what am I missing? Simply to be a Jew. I see myself as a self portrait...Just one thing is missing: the soul. 
God! Master of the World, Who sees my innermost secrets! Before You I confess. You I beseech! I feel so cast aside and distanced from You and from Your holy Presence! Help me - I want to become a simple Jew! 
God! Save me from wasting the rest of my years and chasing the illusions of life! Draw me closer and bring me into Your innermost Presence! Bind me to You forever and ever in wealth of spirit and soul! - Rav Kalonymous Kalman, Tzav v'Ziruz
Oh, Rebbe...

How is it that every word of your holy writings seems to speak directly to my core, the root of my neshama? No matter what my situation is at the moment I can find relevance in your wisdom.

I, too, want to be a Jew.

Unlike you, I am far from perfect, if not drastically so. So much so that I hesitate to look to you, to bind myself to your teachings and legacy, so as not to sully your reputation and zchuyot by association.

In honor of your yahrtzeit, I wanted to do something different, to separate this day from other days. But even that was a challenge that I struggled to surpass. So instead I decided to serve HaShem with simplicity today. To just pray to Him as I am. To be as real and honest as possible - accepting where I am but not resigned to the position - so that I can look forward, seek beyond the sky and clouds, and get a glimpse of the Throne of Glory and the Almighty King.

And maybe, you'll be sitting there as well, basking in the Divine. And you'll have some nachas from me...

Behold, I attach myself in my prayers, to all the true tzadikim in our generation, as well as to all the holy tzadikim who rest in the earth. -- And specifically, to my holy Rebbe, the Sacred Fire Rav Kalonymous Kalman ben R' Eliezer and Chana Bracha, may his memory shield us, may God avenge his blood.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Ocean of Tears

Text courtesy of Dixie Yid; Rav Moshe Weinberger said this story over a few years back at the end of Pesach. It's been on my mind a lot lately.

There's an amazing story about what happened after Reb Ytzchok Vorker was Niftar. 

Reb Yitzchok Vorker was very close to Reb Menachem Mendel of Kotzk. After his fathers passing, Reb Mendel of Vorka was very upset that his father had not communicated with him at all, not even in a dream. Some time after the shiva, he decided to go talk to his father's close friend, Reb Menachem Mendel of Kotzk. 

When he got there the Kotzker asked him what his father had said. Reb Mendel told him there had been only silence. The Kotzker then said that he he had also heard nothing from the Rebbe, so he decided to go look for him in Shomayim. By purifying himself and using certain names of Hashem, he had been able to ascend to there. He was able reach the Heichal (palace) of the Avos. He asked if they had seen Reb Yitzchok of Vorke. They answered that he had been there but left. After that he had gone to see Moshe Rabbeinu ע"ה, but he received the same answer. The Kotsker then explained that he had gone from Heichal to Heichal visiting all the greatest Tzaddikim and everywhere he received the same answer "he was here but he left". 

Growing increasingly desperate, the Kotzker had gone through unbelievable difficulties and trials, but was finally able to make it all the way up in Shamayim, to the Ken HaTzippor (the Palace of the Bird's Nest), where Moshiach sits and waits to bring the Geulah. And there he had asked Moshiach himself if he had seen Reb Yitzchok of Vorke. But the answer was the same "he was here but he left". The Kotsker asked what he could do to find him, and was told to look for him past the great forest that lies at the far edge of Shomayim. He started in that direction and soon found the thickest, darkest forest he had ever seen. It was extremely difficult to get through it, but with great effort he was able to make it. He finally reached a great ocean, with enormous and frightening waves all the way up to the highest levels. There he saw an old Jew with a shtekel, a walking stick, sitting perched on a cliff overlooking the frightening sea. He was sitting there quietly looking at the waves. The Kotzker got closer and realized it was his friend Reb Yitzchok of Vorka. 

He approached him and asked him "Reb Yitzchok, what are you doing here? You could be with the Avos or in a palace learning Torah with Rabbi Akiva and Moshe Rabbeinu. I looked for you all over, in the places that are fit for a Tzaddik to reap the rewards of his place in the world to come. Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, Moshe Rabbeinu, even Moshiach are looking for you. What are you doing here?" And Rav Yitzchok answered "Yes, I was by all of those places but I couldn’t stay there yet. So I left and I came here." He then asked "Do you know what this ocean is?" The two Tzadikim stared at the waves loudly crashing below them as they stood atop the rocks above.

Reb Yitzchak explained that the ocean was made of all the tears the Jewish people have shed throughout the years of their bitter Galus. "And I vowed to Hashem not to move from this place until the Galus is over and all the Jewish tears are wiped away".  

We need to understand how much each of our tears mean to Hashem. 

Rav Yitzchok D'vorka kept silent in his last days in the aspect of "מא תיצעק אלי" (Why do you cry out to Me?), of "ואתם תחרישון" (and you will be silent). He was able to understand the times of "B'almim" because he had spent his whole life living with "B'eilim", doing for others and never giving up on a Jew. He waits silently by the Ocean of Tears, crying together with us as we await the thunderous end of the years of silence.

Monday, October 20, 2014

ZUSHA: EP release announcement/review


I am pleased to help spread the word that ZUSHA is set to release their debut EP this coming week, October 28th; a special release party is scheduled for the Sunday prior to that with folk singer Levi Robin.
ZUSHA is guitarist Zacharia Goldschmiedt, percussionist Elisha Mlotek and singer Shlomo Gaisin. These three friends combine their energies and draw from a wealth of influences to create a sound that is at once familiar and fresh. A mix of world music combined with the heart and soul of chassidut, ZUSHA's eponymous EP is a welcome addition to my playlist.

Gaisin (who may be familiar to readers as half of the creative team behind JudaBlue) has demonstrated considerable growth as a vocalist. His soulful crooning has a transcendent effect as the tracks progress from a simple setup into a melodical exploration that almost begs the listener to sway along with the music. Most of the tracks are niggunim, wordless meditations that provide a tapestry upon which the listener can project his own personal meaning. My only real criticism at this point is directed toward the three tracks that have lyrics: while the music/lyrical content are indeed complementary, I always struggle when I hear the same verses/lyrics used time and again (the second track "Peace" uses the oft-repeated expression of Rebbe Nachman Ein yi'ush b'Olam b'chlal as one example). I recognize that the causal link is because there is something significant about those particular expressions, but it can also be indicative of a superficial familiarity with the source material. But I digress - young musicians becoming drawn in to the world of chassidut is a good thing, and I choose to view this as an expression of neophyte excitement.

"Yoel's Niggun" evoked strong feelings that continued long after the initial listen; the best way to describe it is hirhurei Teshuva, making me glad I heard it before Hoshana Rabbah. The final track "Tzion" is a personal favorite; the a capella version below is only a taste a what it is.



One last comment: the band's bio describes them as neo-Chassidic, which is more often a term used to describe groups in the Renewal movement and other groups outside of Orthodoxy. Association is a strong thing, and I don't identify with the need to distinguish myself as a neo-Chassid. Just an observation.

Overall, the debut EP is a strong offering, and I'm looking forward to see what the group does after their tour following the release.




Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Sukkat shalom...

״וחמושים עלו בני ישראל...״ (שמות יג:יז )

Rav Tzvi Meir Zilberberg quotes the sefarim hakedoshim that explain that "chamushim" (armed) has the root word חמש, which serves as an acronym that reminds us of the three major festivals. Pesach is the time of חירותינו; Shavuot is מתן תורתינו; and Sukkot is known as שמחתינו. These three descriptions in fact refer to the different "weaponry" we Jews have at our disposal - the last one which is associated with Sukkot is the "skill" of joy and comes to us as we draw ever closer to the days of Moshiach. An emphasis needs to be placed on this particular quality as we encounter a progressively darker world.

I'm reminded of this every year as we emerge from the Days of Awe and segue into the whirlwind of activity that is the month if Tishrei. It resonates with me especially now as I attempt to find balance amid the many aspects of my life that constantly vie for my attention.

I had a difficult time preparing adequately for the Yomim Nora'im; a part of that is definitely attributed to the consequences of moving further away from a time when I was immersed in relatively unfettered pursuit of spirituality of my yeshiva years, but it's not only that. Husbandry, parenthood, professional responsibilities, and even the obligation of maintaining the rigorous schedule of Daf yomi all tend to eclipse my other limmudim. I find it considerably more difficult to find time to learn the things that speak to my shoresh neshama although audio shiurim do provide an outlet.

I also become increasingly, painfully aware of my limitations and weaknesses in both the Bein Adam l'makom and l'chaveiro areas. My davening hasn't improved, and I still find myself thinking petty thoughts about my peers even if I hold myself back from reacting to them.

Moreover, I find myself in unfamiliar positions, perceived as a representative of the mainstream and an authority figure in the drop-in center among not only the kids we work with but my fellow volunteers. I have to struggle with an urge to "show" that I'm not the Man and it's surreal.

I went into Rosh HaShana feeling somewhat low; the first day was so difficult. The second day a felt a slight lifting of my spirit, but nothing that raised my spiritual Geiger counter needle significantly.

Yom Kippur was a mix. I found myself unable at times to concentrate even marginally, and that hurt. Surrounded by people shedding tears even as a conceit (as recommended regarding Ne'ila), I couldn't bring myself to do so, either.

But last night I went to purchase my lulav and etrog. I buy from a relative of my wife's who is a special person, a genuinely nice talmid chacham who enjoys what he is doing and desks with people with infinite patience. We discussed Sukkot, shmitta, and a number of topics as we looked for "my" lulav. The whole process took a little less than an hour, but at the end as I left with my new minim (species), I felt confident that I had found the right match. Inexplicably, I felt a sensation of lightness as a returned to my car and carefully placed the lulav in the passenger side. Something about preparing for the mitzvot of the Chag gives me a lift; late last night I prepared the rings that we use to bind the lulav and the process was a meditative one.

Sukkot shares a similar quality with the mitzvot of living in the Holy Land and mikvah - all three are performed by involving the entire body in the act. The seven species are a prominent theme in the decor of the Sukkah, and serve to remind us of where we really belong. All these things fill me with a feeling of nostalgia, and as I spend the majority of my time in the Sukkah over the course of the Chag this little hut becomes more of a refuge for me from all of the insanity of the world throughout the year.

I think Sukkot has displaced Chanukah as my favorite holiday...

Monday, September 1, 2014

Open Letter: Fresh Starts

I don't know if you left yet and whether or not you'll get this, but I just wanted to wish you lots of success in this upcoming school year. I hope you're excited about the new opportunity in a school where very few (if any) people know you; I remember that that was one of the things you complained about regarding schools in our more immediate area - that the reputation resulting from your family's problems follows you wherever you go. Hopefully you've found that anonymity and can use it to your advantage to grow. 
You had a great summer - as much as we helped facilitate that by getting you into XXXXXXX, the real credit goes to you for making a conscious decision to seek and have a positive experience. You can do that again, you can continue having great experiences by continuing to make responsible choices. 
It will be hard. Your reality and your environment for the time being basically guarantees that, and there will be many instances when it will be the easier choice to take a path of least resistance and do what's familiar and what "feels better" in the short run. But I promise you that if you keep making the effort to grow, you will become a better person for it. You will mature. You will be more compassionate for others who are struggling, and you may even be a happier person as well.
It is so important to find a positive role model in your school environment and continue checking in with people. Don't  hold things inside where they can fester and eat you up - remember that there is always more room on the outside than there is on the inside. 
You have an opportunity right now in the next few weeks before Rosh HaShana to establish the direction that the coming school year will take for you. While things can always change later on, it's always better to set off in the right direction than to change course later in the journey when you have to struggle against momentum and time lost.
I'm only telling you this because I believe in you and your desire to do good, to be good. I'm sure you're going to rock!
With blessings or success and a wonderful year!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Grandmother's Prayer

Lord on high
Let my children be healed
Help them to keep their faith in You
Soothe their pain
Let my grandchildren know no more uprooting
Let them run barefoot and joyful
Once more
In a homeland free of blood-running
Stretch out Your wings over them
Envelope them in Your protection
Enable them to grow and to love
In spite of the evil in the world
And in our land.
Grant our leaders wisdom
And integrity
Bless our people
With peace

Toby Klein Greenwald, In The Land Of Prayer

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Getting Involved

The house doesn't look so bad; hopefully a few repairs here and there, a fresh coat of paint, and an aggressive marketing angle will make this stately old manor a real catch. 

But as the developer goes through one room after another, methodically examining the extent of disrepair he becomes increasingly more discouraged. Every floorboard pried up reveals mold and decay; behind the peeling wallpaper the walls are bowed and sagging. Broken piping juts out of the walls, caked with rot and rust.

The situation is worse than the developer ever could have imagined.

Shortly after Succot this year, a few volunteers and I opened up a drop-in center for adolescents in our community who desperately needed a safe place to hang out and relax, a better alternative to the after-dark haunts of the local playgrounds and convenience store parking lots.
Until this point I had never been involved with such an undertaking from an "administrative" perspective; the amount of time, effort, actual physical labor and networking that went into our project before we even opened the doors was more than I had anticipated. Beyond that,  once we got the program off the ground the activity never ended - I have learned that there is no such thing as maintenance with a drop-in center because there are always new things that crop up vying for attention right now. As much as I had expected to come with the territory, there are so many things that I couldn't have foreseen and this has been a steep learning curve.

Nonetheless, we've been running since October, and it seems like we're gaining some traction, thank God. Due to the dynamics of the town where we operate, we've had to operate "under the radar" as it were, but slowly but surely the word-of-mouth network has come through and the people who need us know where to find us, how to get in contact with us, and hopefully that they can count on us.

There are so many problems; it would be foolhardy to think that any one issue causes kids to turn away from Judaism, to turn to drugs and delinquent behavior, and seek solace on the streets.

For some it's finances, which can have far reaching effects in all aspects of the child's life. Others have intense dysfunction in their home. Others still suffer abuse, indifference, unavailability of important role models for a number of reasons. Many have some combination of these among many other bio-psycho-social problems that present risk factors in their ability to navigate the already difficult twists and turns of coming-of-age. 
Not a night goes by since we launched that a number of us volunteers aren't on the phone - be it with each other, with a parent (a subject worthy of its own post), or someone else who is involved in some way or another (teacher, therapist, etc.). Many of the volunteers have lost countless hours of sleep, others have had to think on their feet as they struggle to properly assert boundaries without alienating the kids. It's a lively song and dance as we get to know all the steps, all the players, and all the venues. 

My wife and I talk about it constantly - how can we help more? More effectively? 

How can we do it without losing ourselves in the mix? How do you end a conversation with a kid who can't or won't go home? How do you draw the line so that you don't get caught in the middle of the tug-o-war between parent and child?

It's also been a very humbling experience for me personally.

I have a natural distaste for politics; anyone who's been a long tome reader would know that. But living in a small community like this (mentality-wise, not population) where there are a few very powerful people who call nearly all the shots and can very quickly squash a venture like ours means learning how to play nice with certain individuals. It's icky, but necessary. This has become even more apparent since the beginning of the summer when were forced to go mobile by our being kicked out of our basement to make way for a day camp. That has forced us to constantly find cost-effective diversions and activities for the kids, ending the night with taking them out for supper which puts us squarely in the center of attention. Because teens are LOUD, thank God! There has been an uptick of negative feedback from "concerned members of the community" about our endeavor since the start of the summer - that can be somewhat demoralizing, especially when we become a convenient scapegoat for angry parents.

But all this comes with the territory, and no matter how difficult or stressful that it has gotten so far, something in me keeps pushing me to strive...