All dressed up and nowhere to go....

Well, thank God the whole thing with the politics in yeshiva has blown over. I emerged unscathed for the most part, and was able to clear things up with my Rosh Yeshiva. That chapter has come to a close.
To tell the truth, right now I should really be at a friend of mine's wedding. I even got all dressed up for it. However, I decided not to go in the end. Partially because I'm too lazy to travel all the way out to Crown Heights for it, but I'm pretty sure about the real reason.
About a year ago, I went to a family friend's wedding. My brother was at the same wedding, and contrary to my regular practice, I got quite sloshed. Mt brother did as well. In any event, we ended up getting into a serious fight. Physically and verbally. It ended when I told him to screw himself, and that I wouldn't be at his wedding, if he ever managed to get married, to which he replied that he didn't want a drug addicted little screw up with no direction in life at his wedding anyway. Obviously, we didn't really mean what we said, and after a few weeks, we made up with each other. Since then, I was matir neder, so I don't have to worry about his wedding.
However, I'm afraid that that whole experience affaected me deeply. I used to be a real wedding crasher type; I'd go to any wedding I could, and I would dance my heart out. Since that fight, though, I just can't seem to get into a wedding. I know that my enjoyment is not the main thing, and yet, I can't bring myself to even dance. By most weddings in the past year that I'd been at, I either caught up with friends I hadn't seen in a while, or just watched the bassist in the band. In short, a real party pooper. And this bugs me. A lot. I know I need to get it out of my system, but I can't seem to do it. And I really need to; my brother's wedding is next week. Who knows? Maybe by dancing with him in the middle on the happiest day of his life will bring things fuul circle. I certainly hope so. Peace.
Originally posted Tuesday, 21 June 2005