It's not paranoia if they're really after you....

I'm sorry I haven't posted in almost three weeks, but things have been quite hectic.

First of all, a friend and I have started jamming together several times a week. He plays drums - really well, I might add - and I hope that aside from just generally having a good time, this will help my bass playing.

Second, as the zman draws to an end, I been running around trying to figure out my options after the summer. I'd like to return to the Holy Land, but I believe that if I keep my regular schedule, I might not be able to. What I mean to say is that I know myself pretty well, and I know that if I remain in a non goal oriented system, I can lose my drive, at times; this can lead to depression, as I can be led to feel that I'm not accomplishing anything, even if that's not the case. Therefore, I'm looking for something that has a little more of a structure in the afternoons, as opposed to just learning.

However, the thing that's been keeping me most preoccupied is the fact that for some odd reason, one of the main faculty members ( I wouldn't call him Rosh Yeshiva, per se, even though he is officially one, because he's more of a mashgiach. It's weird, I know...) is on my case. I honestly have no idea what he wants from me. The past two zmanim - Elul and Winter - we were on pretty good terms; i didn't see him all that often, and he'd ask me a question or two, and that's it. this zman, though, things have taken an interesting turn. He's one of the people heavily backing the whole apartment mess, and when it initially began, I told him respectfully that I wasn't cool with it, but since it was the yeshiva behind it, I'd go along with it. In truth, it's not as bad as I feared; save for a few visits from one of the guys, nothing's happened. Yet. But I degress; since that day when I told him I didn't like the idea, any time he sees me, he grabs my arm and tells me things like "Don't worry, you're doing fine," or " you're getting there, you're getting there..."

Now, had these things been coming from a rebbe of mine or from someone who was constantly involved with me on a day to day basis, I wouldn't really mind. But this rabbi really has nothing to do with me; how is he supposed to know how I'm doing? To me, it sounds a little condescending, and that kind of stuff irks me. I may sound egotistical, but I don't feel that I need him to tell me how I'm doing. I thankfully got this far without any real support, why should I need any now?

On top of all that, last week, this rabbi came to my apartment at about 1: 15 in the morning, Wenedsday night. The way the setup of my apartment is, the porch is on the third floor, and you have to climb the steps up to the bedrooms. I'm sitting on the porcelain throne upstairs, contemplating all different aspects of life, while one of my roommates is on the porch. The rabbi comes up to the porch, takes alook around, and asks for me. My roommate tells him I'm upstairs, and the rabbi shrugs and leaves. Why he came? We don't know.

I decide to take it up with him the next day...

Thursday morning, when I go to find him before seder, he avoids me. Literally. I see him, and he sees me, and he turns and walks the other way.

Okaaaay. Maybe lunchtime, then.

I catch up to him by lunch, and he makes me wait for a solid half hour outside. then he calls me over...

Him: yes?

Me: I understand that Rebbe was looking for me last night; what's up?

Him: what are you doing this summer? ( I think to myself: this is why he came to my place last night?)

Me: I'm going home.

Him: When?

Me: Rosh Chodesh.

Him: Oh, you're leaving early... ( The zman officially ends on the 9th of Av, and he says "early" with a knowing tone, as if he didn't expect any better)

Me: well, I don't really have a choice; that's when the Hakomas matzeivah ( headstone placing) for my grandfather is. ( He blinks)

Him: Oh.

Me: yeah. ( he grabs my arm with that same way, and squeezes...)

Him: I think we need to strenghten our sedarim, eh? ( My turn to blink. One thing he can't have on me is sedarim. I'm by every single one, on time, and I leave when seder is over.)

Me: Excuse me? ( I realize afterwards that this may have sounded disrespectful, but at the time I'm too taken aback to respond any other way)

Him: I think we need to strengthen our sedarim, right?

Me: No.

Him: hmm?

Me: No. No. I not trying to answer up for myself, but rebbe can ask my chavrusas and anybody else in the beis medrash. I'm there on time, every seder, all day, every day.

Him: Oh. Okay. ( he turns and walks away)

Now what is that? I have no idea why he thinks I don't come to seder, or what else he thinks about me, for that matter. I keep my nose clean, I don't go where I'm not supposed to. i don't understand, and this is the kind of stuff I hate. I just want to be able to learn and do what I need to do in peace. I understand that I have a problem with authority, but as long as I'm left alone, I do fine. I'm not coming to seder because some rabbi is breathing down my neck; I'm there because I chose to be there, whether I want to or not. Because I've decided that that's what i should be doing, not based on anyone else's opinions. But the minute I feel a little pressure, it pisses me off, especially when it's coming from left field.

I don't know how this is all gonna play out; several people have told me that it's probably someone trying to badmouth me. I hope not. I don't want to have to think badly about anyone, and if it's true, it's equally disheartening, because as far as I know, I don't have any enemies. i like to think of myself as a pretty approachable guy; to find out people feel otherwise? That would really suck...

Originally posted Wednesday, 12 July 2006