Doing chesed and hotboxing in the john....

Hey.
So, this week went by pretty quickly...
Of course, I had a little bit of excitement. On tuesday night, I was really tired, so, after night seder, I ran back to my apartment and quickly undressed, and made myself a tea. I was about to relax and enjoy myself, when my phone rang:
Buddy: Hello?
Me: Hey, man....
Him: whatcha doin' now?
Me: nothing much....
Him: Well get ready, because we're going to a vort now.
Me: You are going; I'm not going anywhere.
Now, before I continue the dialog, let me explain a bit: the girl who became a kallah is very close with an israeli family that my friends and I go to. She, and I am not exaggerating, is over 6'5", and huge. Built like a small tank. Her father died when she was younger, and she became engaged the night before this phone call.
Him: No, you're coming with us.
Me: Dude, I'm sitting here in my socks, and I just made a tea; I'm not moving from this spot ( he's quiet for a moment).
Him: you know, that's too much information!
Me: what?
Him: I don't need to know that you're wearing nothing but socks, drinking tea! Do you know what kind of mental image I've got now? Brrr!
Me: I am wearing boxers, you freak.
Him: well, you didn't say that....
Me: that's because it goes unsaid!
Him: Well get dressed, cause you're going. There's no one thee! It's a chessed!
Naturally, the guilt trip worked, and despite my real desire to put on a hoodie and get into bed, I got dressed and went. Now, this is an israeli, chassidishe vort, and I had know idea how we were going to explain how we were connected to the baalei simcha, but we decided we'd wing it.
So, we get to the apartment, and the guys don't want to go in. They start arguing about who should go in first. I got shoved in. I make a beeline towards the chassan, and then he stands up to greet me. Let me just say, it's a perfect match. This guy is a giant. He looks at me strangely, cuz he's never seen me before, but before he can say anything, I attempt to give him a big hug. I say attempt because I couldn't even touch my fingertips together around this guy. Then, I make my way around the table, and plop down next to the brother of the chassan. He gives me a shot of booze, and with a charismatic flourish, I take it down. My stomache is burning, but I play it cool. With the ice broken, the pussies who I came with settle in.
I don't understand ivrit too well, but I've developed this sense of timing where I react in the appropriate way at the right time. Usually. This guy sitting next to me start chatting with me, and he makes a joke or too, and I give the required knowing grin, or the perfectly timed chuckle. Then, I guess he commented on the tragedy in the kallah's life, and not realizing it, I gave my lopsided grin, and slap him on the back. He stared at me for a second, and then turned away....
Oops.
Anyway, we raised the roof at that little party, and then left in a whilwind of mazel tovs and lechaims. I guess you could say we hit 'em with mazel tov cocktails.
I know....such jokes are the bane of existence, but I couldn't resist......
Last night, I had my own personal adventure. At about ten thirty, I ran into the john. After finishing my business, I stood up to let myself out, and realized in horrifying clarity that the door was broken. The lock is a separate peice, but the metal bit that holds the door in place by the knob was detached, and thus locked me in. Okay. I don't panic. I sit back down and try calling my roomates phone to tell him to come back and help me get out. As I'm waiting, I hear his phone ring inside my room. He's not in the apartment. Why would anyone have a cellphone if they keep it in their room all the time? I try calling my other roomate. He doesn't pick up. Okay. I can wait. I grab a magazine, and I busy myself with it.. Then, I hear someone knocking on the door to my apartment. The door is down a flight of steps, but nonetheless, I try calling for help. " Help! I'm stuck in the bathroom! Get a key and get me out!" The guy doesn't hear me, and after pounding on the door in the most annoying way, leaves.
Okay. Back to the magazine....
I look at my watch. 11:05. I need a smoke. So, even though we don't smoke in the apartment, I light one up. I figure that moments of duress are exceptions. I finish that one, and my phone rings.
Buddy: where are you?
Me: In my place, man.
Him: why didn't you answer the door?
Me: I'm locked in the bathroom.....
Him: Bwaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
And he hangs up. Bastard! Here I am, in this crappy (hee hee!) predicament, and all he can do is laugh? I light another smoke up. There are no windows in the bathroom,and the little space is starting to get hazy. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, I think to myself. So I finish up quickly, and then my roomate walks in.
Roommate: Jewmaican (obviously he says my real name, but you guys aren't privy to that kind of classified info yet...)? You in there? Why is there smoke coming out from the crack by the door?
Me: Dude....
Him: yeah?
Me: I'm locked in here, man....
He starts laughing.....
Me: it's not funny! Get me out of here! I'm dying!
Him: how long have you been in there?
I glance at my watch. 11:30.
Me: about an hour....
He laughs even harder....
Him: let me see if I can slide the piece in the door...
He can't.
Him: bust it down, I guess....
So, I pull my pants back up, and start ramming my shoulder into the door. The door is the cheap kind, hollow, made out of two planks of wood. The first time I bounce off of it. The second time, I hear a crack. the third time, I go straight through the inner panel, leaving a shoulder sized hole in the door. Finally, I brace my back against the oppsite wall, and unleash my pent up rage at being imprisoned for so long in a kick right under the doorknob. The door flies open, and the little peice that trapped me goes shooting across the room, and embeds itself in the wall on the other side.
I stagger out in a cloud of smoke, collapse to my knees, and raise my arms in the air Shawshank Redemption style. Free at last! I'm free at last! Mt roomate ducks into the john for a second, then comes back out:
Him: You know, you could have flushed.....
Have a good shabbos everyone!


Originally posted Friday, 2 December 2005