Hypothesis... ( Been thinking about this for a while already...)

Hey, everybody.

I've had this theory I came up with a while ago, and various observations continue to strengthen (in my mind, at least ) this idea I've been having.

I've noticed countless times that people in general have a tendency to over dramatize things. Be it events in their lives that are either constant or occasional, personality issues, or just random "things" about them, people seem to feel an urge to embellish, to endow, to appear "larger than life".

The most interesting thing I've noticed, though, is that it seems most apparent when the person doing the addition to his/her life comes from a "normal" ( I never really like that word, as I believe that normal is relative anyway) background, a "perfect" background.

I'll explain, by giving a real time example: I have a friend. He comes from a pretty solid background; both of his parents are alive, thank God, and they have been married for quite some time. He's a healthy, good looking guy. His parents ( to my knowledge) are - if not "well off" - financially comfortable at least in the sense that they've been able to support their family. Aside from the standard ( I assume ) dysfunction that comes along with family life in general, it would seem as if he comes from an ideal family background. He's a smart guy, he's able to grasp new concepts fairly quickly, and were he to apply himself to his various studies with serious dedication ( not to say that he slacks off, per se), he would excel in most subjects.

Here's the weird part. I've come to notice that he tends to tweak his image a bit. He has diagnosed himself with several learning disabilities. Nothing crazy or debilitating ( in a social sense, that is ), but just enough to add a certain level of sympathy to the way he believes himself to be percieved. He also tends to brood a lot, most notably when around people, giving himself an air of mystique and depth ( for the record, I think he's a pretty deep guy, but most of the deep people I know don't actively establish their depth...).

Obviously, this is a more extreme case, and in that same vein, it's not a new concept that people exaggerate their image; most people don't enjoy being seen as average, or regular, or "normal". However, many people exaggerate in a positive fashion: they're very atheletic, they're very smart, their virilty and prowess in unmatched, etc. That's one group.

And then there's the "Tragic Hero" group; people assume an underdog position: not smart enough, not good looking enough, family problems, etc.

The first group is understandable, to an extent. People like to feel accomplished, to have been there, done that; it's a source for competitiveness, and it's a boon for business.

But what about the other group? Why do they do the things they do? And they aren't such a minority, either. Go to Greenwich Village; you'll see tons of the tragic types there. They'll tell you their sorrows and sing the blues, but ask some of them where they're from and they'll clam up. Why? Because they're from a nice home in suburbia. It's the same thing with Hip Hop music; a majority percentage of all urban album sales are to white kids from middle class homes, who can't get enough of the misogyny, voilence, and bleak atmosphere of the "ghetto life". For that matter, how many rappers out there are really gangstas?

Why do a lot of kids from poor backgrounds seem to knuckle under and try and get themselves good educations, go into business, and make a lot of money, only to have their kids later turn their backs on the "capitalistic pigs" who work for the "money hungry corporate entities" who raised them ( besides for the obvious answer that they are spoiled, have never had to actually work hard in their lives, and probably will never have to)?

I think I have a theory.

I'm not talking about the last three examples I wrote. Going back to my friend, I think I have an idea of what's happening. It's misplaced guilt.

Before I went to high school in the tri state area, I lived a relatively sheltered life in terms of how harsh the world can seem to be. In my elementary and junior high, there were no kids in my class who's parents ( or one of them ) weren't alive. There was only one kid who I knew who's parents had divorced. In my community ( as it is, in relative terms, smaller than those in the tri state area ), families who had financial woes had a certain amount of help. Add that to the fact that I was a little kid, who didn't know from the world, I wasn't prepared for certain things when I hit high school. For the first time in my life, I encountered on a constant basis people who knew what it meant to suffer, to feel honest pain, and loss, and hardship, to a degree. One of my roommates throughout high school lost his father when he was eight years old. Another guy in my class lost his mother the year before we entered high school. A different guy was able to leave every Shabbos because his parents had alternate visitation. Another guy was wearing the same suit for the the third year, because he had an older sibling in shidduchim, and his parents needed every last cent they could save.

Now, my own family life is pretty good, comparatively. There's a hell of a lot of dysfunction, but at least I have my parents to complain about. I'm lucky. But I do remember that when I first met these people, and sometimes, when I talk to these folks who've had to grow up considerably faster than I should have, I felt one emotion over all others: Guilt.

So let's get deeper into this. I said that there's a manifestation of misplaced guilt, which connotates two things: that there's possibly something to feel guilty about, and that the guilt is misplaced. I'll explain. I believe, on both a conscious and an unconscious ( or subconscious, for that matter) level, that the act of spicing up one's image to appear to be not so hunky-dory, to be less than ideal, to be flawed - be it physically or mentally - is an act of misplaced guilt. People, when confronted with others who lack what they have, feel guilty that they are priveleged, and their reaction is to downplay it, at times to an extreme. The reasons why I believe it is misplaced are many. When a person sees someone who has a background that's tinged with adversity, and that person's character is defined and ( most of the time ) respectable, they immediately feel guilty of their own inability to progress, despite the fact that they don't have such "problems". Therefore, they might add this spice ( we'll call it Tragic Hero ) to their own persona, which in effect serves them twofold: they're not subject to the scrutiny of their peers who "lack" ( and unwittingly cause this guilt), and it gives them a good excuse as to why they don't accomplish the goals that they're supposed to ( note: in an interesting reprisal of the "chicken or the egg" question, a friend of mine suggested than in certain cases, the lack of accomplishment or bad behavior can come first, and then the Tragic Hero gets added to the mix. Interesting, and worth thinking about..).

However, there should be guilt of some sort. Indeed, those who are blessed that they have never wanted in their life, those who don't know from the terrible pain of loss, if they don't accomplish, should feel guilty, to some extent. They didn't have to climb up mountains. God has give them a "good" lot in life! Especially when seeing the growth that their friends experienced, despite the fact that they had adversity, when one realizes that he can do better, guilt should be felt. Not to a degree that they give up hope, of course. But they shouldn't be embellishing their persona in such a way. That is the misplaced guilt. The "guilt" that they feel should inspire them, not drive them to join the ranks.

I'm not just talking here. This is a lesson that I try ( and fail at times) to incorporate into my personal hashkafah. God has given me so much, and yet, I slack off. But when I see those friends of mine who rose to the occasion, who surpassed test beyond my imagination, they inspire me. they inspire in me a guilt that I'm not doing enough with what God gave me, and they inspire me to knuckle under and grow.

I bless us all that we should get rid of the misplaced guilt, and use it the way it's supposed to.

If anyone has any observations, by all means let me know...

Originally posted Saturday, 17 March 2007