It's either one thing or another....

Okay, so here's the scoop: this has been one hell of a week.

Basically, I've been dating this one girl pretty "heavily", which means in real world speak that I dated her five times as of this post. I took her out on Motzei shabbos ( our fourth date ); it was a casual date, and we went to a game room type of place. Arcades, etc. A lot of fun, and I really enjoyed myself.

On Sunday, my folks give me a call, that I have to start talking "Tachlis". Again, in real world speak, this means that now that we have established that we are comfortable in each other's company - for what it's worth, after only a short period of time - it's time to see if we are compatible on the important issues. That is, on a general hashkafic level, and specifically speaking, where we see ourselves at this point, and our goals in where we want to be in the future in matters of spirituality and actuality. How we want our house to look, etc. etc. etc.

Obviously, the discussion doesn't involve the royal "we", so it's kind of akward to speak from an abstract point of view, just discussing your own personal self, but the intent is to see whether or not you're holding on the same wavelength...

Now, generally speaking, I don't know about anybody else, but this whole process is extremely exhausting for me, both physically and emotionally. Obviously, there's a lot of time and thought invested into this, and as a result, I am utterly zonked.

Now, talking tachlis is okay with me; I feel like this very well may go somewhere, and I definitely feel that it's better to do it sooner rather than drag everything out until much much later and then possibly find out that the two of us don't fit, making it much harder to stop without somebody getting it hurt in the process.

Problem: I don't know how to broach the topic, and I'm not sure exactly what to discuss...

That was sunday. On Monday, my mom calls me to tell me that the girl wants me to pick her up at a certain time, and that she wants to go somewhere that is conducive to have a discussion. Sounds like she has an agenda to me. The advantage is, she'll have to bring up the subject of talking tachlis. Problem is, once it's brought up, I'm not quite sure what to bring to the table. what do I tell her? I do I articulate properly what I feel I need. How much of myself do I need to let her know about, if anything? I mean, I don't want her to think she's marrying ( if it goes that far ) type A, and then find out I'm type B. On the other hand, what would be TMI?

I have shown her bits of myself, but not the complete, multifaceted, exuberantly colored individual that I am ( not trying to boast of be egotistical here - just practical ). What's appropos and what isn't?

I decide I'll take a drive north to visit my sister and brother in law. They're pretty insightful; maybe they have some suggestions...

Right before I'm about to head up to them, my mother calls me. My grandmother's been sick for quite some time, and recently she took a turn for the worst, my mom tells me. The doctors are keeping her comfortable, but they think that she's nearing the end.

Not cool, to say the least.

I tell her I want to come home, to say goodbye, and my mom flat out refuses. "You have a date coming up. Short of a funeral, you're not coming home, and you're not canceling the date, either. You will go out, and you will be normal on the date. Understand?"

Jeez. Okay, ma.

So, now I have my grandmother on my mind as well as this other issue. I go to my sister's house, hoping for some clarity, and all they manage to do is confuse me even more. they set me back and made me sort of unsure of myself in terms of where I see this going.

After several hours of back and forth between us, I leave, feeling even more at a loss than before...

One of the things they told me was that I have to look for something that could push me either way, saomething she does or says that makes me go "that's it. This is the one!" Basically, a clincher. This isn't freaking baseball! Ah, hell.

That was monday. On Tuesday, I get a call that the girl wants me to pick her up that night, as opposed to Wednesday night, as we had originally planned. Now, with the confusion from my siblings, I'm less than enthusiastic about going out on a date. coupled with what's going on with my grandmother, I don't really feel in any shape to date, let alone talk serious issues.

But, it has to be done, so in spite of myself, i got dressed up nicely and went to take her out.

In the end, the talk went a little bit awkward, and we definitly haven't finished talking, but for the most part, I think we accomplished a little. We're basically on the same page, and I returned to yeshiva that night feeling pretty good about the situation.

To make matters interesting, though, my parents expect to bring me home very soon. I have a bag packed and ready to go at any moment.

Not cool...



Originally posted Thursday, 1 February 2007