Restoring My Soul

The truth is, I'm still processing it.

I had the z'chut to attend the annual hilula (celebration) of my Rebbe, Reb Kalonymous Kalman Shapira zya hyd this past motzei Shabbos. It was such an incredibly moving event, the intensity of it all is still so overwhelming that I constantly found my thoughts drifting back to the words that Rav Moshe Weinberger spoke.

This year, the hilula coincided with the debut of a new book that my good friend Binyomin Wolf put out. A collection of the ma'amarim Rav Weinberger gave over the last 15 years since the inception of the hilula in 2000, this slim volume serves not only as an introduction to the Torah of Piaseczna, but that of Rav Weinberger as well. It's a beautiful addition to the legacy of the Rebbe, a strong homage to the message of the Aish Kodesh.

I consider myself fortunate. Lucky to have been introduced the the writings of the Rebbe during a particularly difficult time in my life and then later on - through my efforts to share his work with others - discovering the fount of Torah wisdom that is Rav Weinberger. It's no coincidence that the same praise and gratitude that Rav Weinberger himself attributes to the Piaseczna is said about himself by others. In this year's ma'amar (indeed, the motivation behind the book) Rav Weinberger addressed the phenomenon we are witnessing that people from all walks of life - Jews and non-Jews alike - are drawn to the Torah of the Aish Kodesh in ever growing droves. Soul searchers, academics, meditation enthusiasts, philosophers, people from various streams of Judaism - all come to drink from the wellsprings of Reb Kalonymous Kalman. What is it about the Rebbe? What is the appeal? Rav Weinberger discusses this and more, and it can be listened to here.

For me, personally? As Rav Weinberger intimated, there are people who search for tzaddikim who can breathe life back into our souls. They feel deflated, defeated, lost in the chaos of a world moving at breakneck speed. They long to hear words of encouragement, to taste - briefly - the "dew of life" on their parched lips. They seek healing; some may be healers themselves, giving away their own vitality to others while wondering (doubting!) in the back of their mind whether they have anything to give.

I am such a person.

The Rebbe's writings - in the inimitable words of Rav Soloveitchik - address themselves to the reader's soul. Even if the passage itself is not relevant to my situation, the essence of the Rebbe permeates every word and touches me to my very core. His teaching are a touchstone for me, a guide for my daily living. And many times I don't internalize his words, and I don't feel worthy of considering myself a talmid, let alone a chassid. Still, because of who the Rebbe was, I can never stay far away from him. It is the conviction, the knowledge that the Rebbe is speaking directly to me from the perspective of one who has also suffered that comforts me when I'm confronted with the existential loneliness that we all share.

It's his words of fire and hope that illuminate my darkness, the same words that Rav Weinberger echoed in that darkened room this past motzei Shabbos.

It strengthens me, and I can take hold of myself once more and plunge back into the fray.

Allowing ourselves to be loved

Commenting on my previous post, my bestie Karma Dude expanded on the parable from the Ba'al Shem Tov, stating that at some point the "child" in question needs to succeed - and recognize that success - in order not to give up hope. Because if the child continues to fall down and fail without any insight into the rationale of the exercise or without understanding his "absent" father's intent, he'll come to see Him as forever distant and get distracted.

It's a really good point, and I think it does happen. A lot.

But I think a fundamental misunderstanding is at play here (although I'm not attributing this to Karma Dude) that makes the concern all the more real. The concept of a loving God - despite the fact that it's explicit in the texts that we say daily in our prayers - is a foreign one in our community; it simply isn't taught or acknowledged in any meaningful way. Our focus is primarily on our end of the relationship - we must love God, we must serve Him, and service performed out of love is the highest form of avodah. We need to be cognizant of that, ever-aware of our duty to arouse love within ourselves and others for our Father in Heaven in order to succeed in our this-worldly mission. But the other side of that coin is understanding that we are in a reciprocal relationship that starts with God's love toward His creations.

He (Rav Akiva) used to say – Beloved is man, for he was created in G-d's Image; it is indicative of a greater love that it was made known to him that he was created in G-d's image, as it is said: 'For in the image of G-d has He made man' [Bereshis 9:6]. Beloved are the people Israel for they are described as children of the Omnipresent; it is indicative of a greater love that it was made known to them that they are described as children of the Omnipresent, as it is said, 'You are children to Hashem, Your G-d' [Devorim 14:1]. - Avot 3:18

When was the last time a rebbi in Yeshiva gave a shmuess that focused on this point? I know many folks who had never heard the words "God loves you," until much later on in life when a mentor or a special teacher revealed that truth to them. I'm under the impression that this is a revelation for many, if at all, and that is very sad. This is something that needs to be articulated, explicitly stated, not assumed to be axiomatic or learned through some osmotic process. What can we do to achieve this paradigm shift?

Thankfully, there are contemporary sources and individuals that belabor this point. The reader is directed to the sifrei Chassidut, some of the latter-day mussar works, and Torah personalities such as Rav Tzvi Meir Zilberberg and the late Slonimer Rebbe. And we must strive to create more English language texts either translated or based on works from Rav Kook and others that deal with this matter extensively. One specific book that comes to mind is GPS! Navigation for the Soul based on the teachings of the Nesivos Shalom which is specifically geared towards teenagers and young adults, but can be read by anybody. The authors spill a great amount of ink making this point in an engaging manner.

And of course, teach your kids. Make it as immutable as anything else in their chinuch - equate it with your own unconditional love, and make it a reality for them.

Moving Towards God

If you don't understand what's happening, watching a parent teach his child how to walk can seem to be an exercise in cruelty. The child, off balance and teetering around, reaches out for the parent's hand - and the parent steps back, just beyond the child's reach. Of course, the parent is only trying to teach and prepare his beloved child with integral skills in this fashion, and we recognize this process for what it is. The child forgets about the rudimentary movements as his desire to be closer to his father, within his protective embrace temporarily distracts him from this physical task he is trying to master.

The Ba'al Shem Tov used this as a parable for our struggles in life. In those moments when God seems to be pulling away from us, just out of reach, we have to realize that He is teaching us how to walk towards him.

The Heart and the Wellspring: Maoz Tzur

Courtesy of Ynet, off the new(-ish) album Achake Lo: Songs From the Ashes of the Holocaust.

ReBound...

Today is the 4th of Ram Cheshvan, the anniversary of death for the Rebbe of Piaseczna and all the other kedoshim that were part of the liquidation of the Trawniki labor camp.

So what am I missing? Simply to be a Jew. I see myself as a self portrait...Just one thing is missing: the soul. 

God! Master of the World, Who sees my innermost secrets! Before You I confess. You I beseech! I feel so cast aside and distanced from You and from Your holy Presence! Help me - I want to become a simple Jew! 

God! Save me from wasting the rest of my years and chasing the illusions of life! Draw me closer and bring me into Your innermost Presence! Bind me to You forever and ever in wealth of spirit and soul! - Rav Kalonymous Kalman, Tzav v'Ziruz

Oh, Rebbe...

How is it that every word of your holy writings seems to speak directly to my core, the root of my neshama? No matter what my situation is at the moment I can find relevance in your wisdom.

I, too, want to be a Jew.

Unlike you, I am far from perfect, if not drastically so. So much so that I hesitate to look to you, to bind myself to your teachings and legacy, so as not to sully your reputation and zchuyot by association.

In honor of your yahrtzeit, I wanted to do something different, to separate this day from other days. But even that was a challenge that I struggled to surpass. So instead I decided to serve HaShem with simplicity today. To just pray to Him as I am. To be as real and honest as possible - accepting where I am but not resigned to the position - so that I can look forward, seek beyond the sky and clouds, and get a glimpse of the Throne of Glory and the Almighty King.

And maybe, you'll be sitting there as well, basking in the Divine. And you'll have some nachas from me...

Behold, I attach myself in my prayers, to all the true tzadikim in our generation, as well as to all the holy tzadikim who rest in the earth. -- And specifically, to my holy Rebbe, the Sacred Fire Rav Kalonymous Kalman ben R' Eliezer and Chana Bracha, may his memory shield us, may God avenge his blood.

ZUSHA: EP release announcement/review

I am pleased to help spread the word that ZUSHA is set to release their debut EP this coming week, October 28th; a special release party is scheduled for the Sunday prior to that with folk singer Levi Robin.

ZUSHA is guitarist Zacharia Goldschmiedt, percussionist Elisha Mlotek and singer Shlomo Gaisin. These three friends combine their energies and draw from a wealth of influences to create a sound that is at once familiar and fresh. A mix of world music combined with the heart and soul of chassidut, ZUSHA's eponymous EP is a welcome addition to my playlist.

Gaisin (who may be familiar to readers as half of the creative team behind JudaBlue) has demonstrated considerable growth as a vocalist. His soulful crooning has a transcendent effect as the tracks progress from a simple setup into a melodical exploration that almost begs the listener to sway along with the music. Most of the tracks are niggunim, wordless meditations that provide a tapestry upon which the listener can project his own personal meaning. My only real criticism at this point is directed toward the three tracks that have lyrics: while the music/lyrical content are indeed complementary, I always struggle when I hear the same verses/lyrics used time and again (the second track "Peace" uses the oft-repeated expression of Rebbe Nachman Ein yi'ush b'Olam b'chlal as one example). I recognize that the causal link is because there is something significant about those particular expressions, but it can also be indicative of a superficial familiarity with the source material. But I digress - young musicians becoming drawn in to the world of chassidut is a good thing, and I choose to view this as an expression of neophyte excitement.

"Yoel's Niggun" evoked strong feelings that continued long after the initial listen; the best way to describe it is hirhurei Teshuva, making me glad I heard it before Hoshana Rabbah. The final track "Tzion" is a personal favorite; the a capella version below is only a taste a what it is.



One last comment: the band's bio describes them as neo-Chassidic, which is more often a term used to describe groups in the Renewal movement and other groups outside of Orthodoxy. Association is a strong thing, and I don't identify with the need to distinguish myself as a neo-Chassid. Just an observation.

Overall, the debut EP is a strong offering, and I'm looking forward to see what the group does after their tour following the release.

Aish.com infographic about Israel

Israel by the Numbers

Watch The Walls Melt Down

The new single from Matisyahu's forthcoming album Akeda, available for pre-order (I'm such a sucker...).

Love the chorus, not so hot on the verse; the lyrics are okay. I still hear some of that original seeker that I first encountered a long time ago at Chelsea Piers...

Gad Elbaz - Miracles feat. Ari Lesser and Naftali Kalfa

HT to my father-in-law, who showed this to me literally two minutes ago. It's fresh (uploaded onto YouTube earlier today) and timely, so enjoy!

Repost: Yearning (2010)

I honor of Tu b'Shvat, I'm reposting this story I heard from Rav Moshe Weinberger way back when the Orot HaTorah shiur from Rav Kook was just beginning. It's apropos for the occasion, especially because Rav Weinberger mentioned the story in his massive gathering last week in the Holy Land with several hundred folks who are looking for some fire in the cold, cold winter...

Matisyahu - Refuge

This is from Matis' debut album from way back. I had this on the other night and it just spoke to me, as it's coming from a very real, very deep place in a young journey along a path of chassidut and even some bittul. When I go back to the older albums, it reminds me that that guy still exists somewhere in there. I know he's on a quest - we all are - and we can all relate to the fact that sometimes that quest meanders. Hearing his old music somehow infuses me with hope that he can make it back alright.



Ani auni vevyone. Hashem yashav li. Ezrati, umafalti, atau.

My word is like a hammer like a shattering rock,
crack through your heart and take the evil apart

From the end of the earth unto you I call, time and again I fall, back to you I crawl
You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength in the face of the enemy
Enemy, enemy lines I find I let myself get tied up too many times
You can't have my heart I'm taking back what's mine
I know it lie just smoke in your eye and you saved my soul from the other side

When faint grows my heart to a rock that too hard for me to climb alone lead me
For you have been a refuge

With you I smash a troop and with my G-d I leap over a wall
May the king answer you on the day that you call
Stand tall, battle yawl, the clouds crawl low, all stalled,
heavens lay draped over New York like a prayer shawl,
the holy one enthroned upon the praises of Israel

Pathways of my heart clogged like a traffic jam
From the start, I want to take the blockage apart

Katonti...

...קָטֹנְתִּי מִכֹּל הַחֲסָדִים, וּמִכָּל-הָאֱמֶת, אֲשֶׁר עָשִׂיתָ, אֶת-עַבְדֶּךָ:

Adapted from Ein AYaH:

The Talmud (Shabbat 32a) counsels the following attitude towards miracles: 

"One should never put himself in a dangerous situation and say, 'A miracle will save me.' Perhaps the miracle will not come. And even if a miracle occurs, one's merits are reduced."

The Sages learned that one should not rely on miracles from Jacob. When Jacob returned home after twenty years in Laban's house, he greatly feared meeting his brother Esau. He prayed to God, "I am unworthy of all the kindness and faith that You have shown me" (Gen. 32:11). The Sages explained Jacob's prayer in this way: "I am unworthy due to all the kindness and faith that You have shown me." Your miracles and intervention have detracted from my merits. 

We need to examine this concept. What is so wrong with relying on miracles? Does it not show greater faith? And why should miracles come at the expense of one's spiritual accomplishments? 

The Function of SkepticismSkepticism is a natural, healthy trait. Miracles can have a positive moral influence, but they also have a downside. Reliance on miracles can lead to a weakened or even warped sense of reality. 

At certain times in history, God disrupted natural law in order to increase faith and knowledge. However, this intervention in nature was always limited as much as possible, in order that we should not belittle the importance of personal effort and initiative. This is where skepticism fulfills its purpose. Our natural inclination to doubt the occurrence of miracles helps offset these negative side effects, keeping us within the framework of the naturally-ordered world, which is the greatest good that God continually bestows to us. It is preferable that we do not rely on divine intervention, but rather say, 'Perhaps a miracle will not occur.' 

Miracles and NatureUltimately, both miracles and natural events are the work of God. So how do they differ? A miracle occurs when we are unable to succeed through our own efforts. By its very nature, a miracle indicates humanity's limitations, even helplessness. When miracles occur, we are passive, on the receiving end. 

Natural events are also the work of God, but they are achieved through our skill, initiative, and effort. When we are active, we spiritually advance ourselves by virtue of our actions. Our zechuyot (merits) are the result of the positive, ethical deeds that we have performed. We should strive for an active life of giving, not a passive one of receiving. Such an engaged, enterprising life better fulfills God's will — the attainment of the highest level of perfection for His creations. 

Jacob 'used up' merits when he required God's intervention to protect him from Laban and Esau. He admitted to God, "I am unworthy due to all the kindness and faith that You have shown me." But Jacob later regained spiritual greatness through his active struggle against the mysterious angel. "For you have struggled with angels and men, and have overcome them" (Gen. 32:29).

 And here's a rather nice song from Yonatan Razel, inspired by these verses; as you can see, he's taken some liberties with the wording, but it works overall...

The piece below was a focal point of a group therapy session that I co-ran; my senior colleague provided the handout, and after reading it I realized that it is so appropriate for this time of the year for those of us who feel like we just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over...

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Breaking through

אין כח לקלוט את ההמון הרב של הצבעים הרבים אשר לשמש הגדולה הזאת המאירה לעולמים כולם, שמש התשובה

Someone who is unprepared to do teshuvah may be compared to a person who cannot see the light of the sun because he is wearing impenetrable lenses.

Alternatively, such a person may be compared to a shoot buried beneath the soil. While the rest of the world basks in the warmth and light of the sun, this shoot cries out "There is no sun. My entire life is enveloped in dirt!" 

But this bitter perception is wrong. 

Teshuvah is always present; however, a person must go forth to receive it. When a person does make the decision to change, he can receive the ever-present sunlight of teshuvah. - Rav Moshe Weinberger, Song of Teshuvah

This particular excerpt from Orot HaTeshuvah and the accompanying commentary by Rav Weinberger really hit home. More so than other years, I feel less "ready" for the upcoming Days of Awe. I know why, and I know what I have to do, but sometimes the lethargy and inertia is stifling, to the point of having this eerie sensation of being buried by my own issues. This can lead to despair, but knowing that I can bask in the warmth of the sun's glow if I just give even the tiniest push makes all the difference...

This song has been on constant replay lately. Something resonates deeeeply within...

Noah Lubin's albums are on sale; you can buy them on Amazon as well as iTunes...

Rebbe Shlomo: Rav Kook on Ishbitz and Breslov Chassidus

Today is Rav Kook's yahrtzeit, the third of Elul. Readers of the blog will remember that my third son's bris was on this day as well!



Z'chuso yagein aleinu!

Adon HaSelichot

Elul is upon us, and my beloved sephardi brethren are already preparing for the Days of Awe while the rest of us roll over in bed.

Kol hakavod to them...

"A day that is entirely Shabbos..."

Tikkun Olam challah cover by Sharon Coleman

Kuntress Kedushat Shabbos: Reb Tzadok HaKohen on man's role in Tikkun Olam, here.

Nosson Zand - Believers

I just found this tonight. I've always been a fan of Nosson's, and while this isn't the sound I'm used to coming from him, I dig it.

The Matisyahu feature is a blast from the past - I really miss the beard and peyos (and the yarmulke...). Which makes me wonder: why was Nosson sitting on this for so long?



Love the imagery: the lamplighters stuff at the end, the foam cup thing is pretty cool too...

Internalizing Shabbos

Calligraphy by Michel D'anastasio

“You can keep every Shabbos to the letter of the law, but unless Shabbos reaches the deepest and highest place in your heart, you haven’t kept Shabbos.” - Rebbe Shlomo